Is this about the season? Because that was some of the best times I’ve had in years. I’m really stoked for next spring.
Yeah, well, that’s the thing.
Next season is going to be off the hook, right? I mean, I can’t imagine it getting better. Huge crowds. Happy people. And that squirrel ... man, people LOVE that squirrel.
Look, I want to be honest with you because I think you deserve that.
The thing is ... uh ... I’m not sure how much longer we’re going to need you around.
Right. I know that. Trust me, I’m used to spending long winters alone. No big deal, really. I’m totally used to it. Just cover the field with a blanket, and I'm good.
No, but I mean even after the wintertime. Man ... how do I put this? I don’t think we’re interested ... in a long-term commitment.
Oh. I see.
Don’t get me wrong, you were absolutely amazing this season, and we couldn’t have been happier. But we feel that it’s the right time for a change.
You mean it's the right time for somebody younger.
No! No, it’s not that ... it’s just ...
Stop. Don’t even try. When you say “change,” you mean “somebody younger.” I’m not stupid. I can see myself. I know I’m old. I know that the $2 million you spent on me was just to get me looking presentable. I figured this was coming, but I thought we had something good. I thought you were different.
Please try to understand.
Oh, I understand just fine. You need me to prove that you can draw a crowd and then once you make your point, I’m out like yesterday’s garbage. I’m good enough to support you until you get successful and then suddenly ... what? I’m not sexy enough for you? You want someone with a little less "wear and tear"? That’s fine. If you want to throw away a perfectly good relationship for a bigger video screen and fancy hand dryers ... go ahead. It’s your loss. Seriously? I feel SORRY for you.
I never meant to hurt you ... I'm so sorry ...
Oh my GOD. Are you CRYING? Seriously? Knock it off. Save your fake emotions for your precious new stadium.
There isn’t even a new stadium yet.
No, but you just told me that you want to find a new stadium. So it doesn’t matter if you’ve found one yet. You’re looking. You’re looking because I’m not good enough. So just because you don’t have somebody new yet, it doesn’t make this hurt any less. It hurts plenty, thanks.
You know, there’s a real good chance that we’ll be together next season. Any new stadium will take a while to come together, so we at least have that ...
Oh, great. WONDERFUL. Am I supposed to thank you? Are you doing me a FAVOR now? So just to get this straight, you’ve just told me that you want to leave me for someone younger ... but you don’t know exactly WHEN? And if you don’t find someone new by the spring, you want us to continue ... AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED?
That’s not what I meant.
You’re an idiot. Just go. And take your stupid squirrel with you.